explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
