FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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