I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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