Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
