Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
