Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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