I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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