just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
