my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
