you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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