worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
