There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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