i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
