so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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