She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
