Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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