she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
