Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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