Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
birth control should be required to get into college
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
