Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
