I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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