Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
