My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Im part way to drunk.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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