I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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