somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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