wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
