ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
