Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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