That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
