And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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