My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
