Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
