i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
