I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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