I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
