Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
