Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I need to calm my uterus...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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