Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
