So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
