I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
