you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
