Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
