It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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