so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
