I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
