You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
