i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
