You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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