u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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