burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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