I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
