Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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